A Birthday in Isolation

Public Warning Announcement: The following blog is fluffy and frolicsome and provides zero perspective on the current public health crisis. All characters depicted in this blog are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental (except for Jane Fonda, Jane is 100% real) 

I missed today's 6am Joe Wick's exercise class. Not because I was tired or because I slept through the alarm clock, or because I'm celebrating my 39th birthday today, but rather, contrary to popular opinion, the Body Coach did not invent exercise and it is possible to do it a different way.  People need to be reminded that exercise has been around for thousands of years, routinely practiced by the Greeks, Romans and Celts and by the utterly fabulous Jane Fonda & her leg warmers in 1982.  As I sit here like a tipsy bird in the freezing spring sunshine, I tell myself that I am ‘exercising’ a kind of herd immunity by consciously not partaking in a 6am morning exercise class with the Body Coach and I feel rebelliously smug and wonderful.

When you are not one of the heroes currently risking their own lives in the emergency services, in our hospitals or in our care to help others, the mind can become preoccupied by a series of frivolous thoughts and quandaries on a daily basis.  At this precise moment for example, I am wondering whether those five bottles of wine in the kitchen will hold me over until next weekend and whether I’ve, yet again, double-booked myself on Zoom this evening. 

I know many of you who are not currently saving lives or do not work in the frontlines wake up every morning with similar preoccupations. We are facing challenging times and it is imperative we find new and innovative ways to healthily occupy our minds and bodies whilst staying at home.

My friend Petunia (not her real name) for instance, recently took to gardening to fill the time. She planted a wide variety of bulbs and wildflower seeds a few weeks ago, hoping that come June, she would be blessed with a vibrant display of fragrant flowers and shrubbery in her garden. Unfortunately for Petunia though, the morning birds began flocking to the seeds and devouring them one by one. 

With the bars, restaurants and shops currently closed and with nothing else much to do, Petunia has thus been working 12 hours shifts during the Covid - 19 lockdown as a scarecrow, warding off the invasive birds with widespread arms and her trademark eccentricity.

And there she will remain rooted for many, many weeks to come.

Another ‘friend’ has become insanely obsessed by off licence opening times during lockdown. It's become her new full-time job.

Like a FBI agent hot on the tail of a serial killer, I would not be in the least bit surprised if she has gone so far as to erect a large scale map of Belfast on her wall and using drawing pins and post-it notes, has created an expansive visual on the precise locations of the best liquor stores in the city, an inventory of the wines currently on offer and highly classified information pertaining to the frequency at which shelves are routinely restocked.. It keeps her extremely busy and I must admit I find the daily intel extremely useful.

As the Covid 19 pandemic crisis continues, another pal is becoming increasingly fixated by bin collections. “Will they or won’t they collect my blue recycling bin today? If I leave out all three bins, they are bound to empty at least one, no? It’s like fucking Russian Roulette out there!”

And then there’s Hope (not her real name) who in her infinite wisdom has decided to log on again to Tinder during lockdown. She believes that old fashioned conversation and courtship will be the key to unlocking a lasting relationship. I remain dubious. I mean, for a start what could one possibility talk about? An action-packed day solving emoji puzzles, the ancient art of cupboard cleaning or queuing up at Lidl for the groceries and a 9 pack of toilet roll if you’re lucky? Genuinely, what breed of man would be interested engaging in an online courtship for weeks on end without any immediate prospect of meeting up? I tell you what breed of a man… The breed who will be sending you pornographic images of his reproductive organs in the hope that you’ll be altogether dazzled and eternally grateful.

Reminds me of that time Boris Johnson’s Chief Advisor, Dominic Cummings, asked ‘weirdos and misfits’ with ‘odd skills’ to apply for jobs at no. 10. Good luck with that Hope, not buying my hat just yet….

And speaking of hats…. This was to be the year that I was finally to fulfil the role of Bridesmaid, in South America no less.

The wedding was to take place in June in Cartagena, Colombia, where I was to represent Ireland against five other competing bridesmaids, presumably all former Miss United States pageant winners. Now it may come to a surprise to many of you that I have been overlooked for this highly coveted position at home in the past, however I was brutally rebuffed on more than occasion by an obscure cousin ‘Davina’, or by a squad of all-important sisters who apparently take precedence over a childhood and devoted friend. 

(I joke!) 

But, in truth it is somewhat surprising to me that I have never been asked before now since Bridesmaids are invariably portrayed as highly strung, unhinged and downright desperate in Hollywood films.  Surely fit the role???

Alas, the wedding has been postponed for a spell due to the current global pandemic. I can promise you this though. It will be even more spectacularly glamourous than anyone ever imagined when it does eventually take place.  I can’t wait to be with my special friend on her wedding day, five thousand miles and Covid -19 later…. 

In the meantime, I would just like to say that I really appreciate the birthday well-wishes that my friends and family sent today.  I know it's a really brutal time for many of you and I really wish everyone the very best too.

Feeling love and gratitude like never before.

Okay, I must go. Sorry for being anti-social.  I feel suddenly compelled to engage in some serious window washing right now and I also need to forward a hilarious Paddy Raff video I just received, to my entire list of contacts (otherwise the cops might arrest me for violating the new laws around social distancing and self isolation) 

Stay Safe, Stay at Home.  

M.A.